Grab Your Popcorn and Barf Bag

Movies that are turned into video games almost never turn out good, so why should it work vice versa?

A video game that is turned into a movie has about three outcomes: it's pretty good, it's so cheesy that it's good, it's a shitty pile of shit. Unfortunately, they usually turn out like shit. Now I actually like some movies like Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Resident Evil, and Silent Hill. They were all pretty close to the story. However, these next 5 movies should never have even existed in the first place.

Let's see just how horribly our beloved video games have been damaged on the big screen.

Top 5 Worst Video Game Film Adaptions

5. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

If you ask me, they really should've just stopped with the first movie. I mean, it was bad, but it was also really enjoyable and fun! Unlike this one. This one was just repetitive, choppy, boring, poorly written and extremely unnecessary. Why did they do it? Is it because they left the last one on a cliffhanger? Is it because they wanted to introduce characters that weren't in the first film, like Jade or Smoke? Or is it because they just wanted an excuse to kill off Johnny within the first five minutes? Either way, it wasn't fun.

4. House of the Dead

You got teens. You got an island. You got zombies. What else do you need? A title? Oh just slap "House of the Dead" on there and you should be fine! This film is just miles away from the game. In fact, there are only two things similar between the two: 1) the title and 2) the special effects. The same effects used in the game are used in the movie. That's just plain laziness. Oh, and the plot? Are you sure you can guess exactly what's going to happen with a bunch of crazzzyyy, partying teenagers alone on an island full of zombies? I thought so.

3. Alone in the Dark

Another Uwe Boll classic right here! You can expect horrible acting, terrible stunts, horrendous dialogue, numerous plotholes, awful special effects, *insert another negative word* monsters, and the story being completely unrelated to the game. Also there was absolutely nothing scary about this movie. There really wasn't even a purpose to it! It was just another excuse for Boll to destroy another beloved classic. And can someone explain to me random sex scenes? What purpose do they serve! If I wanted porn, I'd find something free on the Internet! Let me watch the goddamn movie!

2. Double Dragon

How can you take the extremely simple concept of a beat-em-up game about two guys trying to save a girl and twist it into something about a medallion, magic, and brotherly love? Now just add in bad acting, horrible effects, and unbearably boring fight scenes that feature a mailman throwing himself off a water tank and you've got yourself a grade A suckfest! How is it that someone, while playing Double Dragon, thought to themselves "Hey, this would make an awesome movie!" Hate to break it to you buddy, but even someone with Abobo's mind couldn't tolerate this.

1. Super Mario Bros.

This movie is a stain on what we consider one of the most successful franchises in the entire history of video games. If you've never seen this movie (start thanking whatever divine entity you worship), then allow me to give you a list of reasons why it's so bad.
1) Mario and Luigi are father and son...not brothers...so why is it called Super Mario Bros.?
2) King Koopa (or pile of shit) is human! He's freaking human! How does that even work? Actually, I'm glad...because he probably would've been worse than the Goombas...which leads me to...
3) The Goombas have these giant ass bodies and then they have teeny, tiny heads. And they just look...they just look...terrifying!
4) Yoshi does not look like the friendly, ridable, extremely helpful friend we all know and love...he looks like a Velociraptor that's ready to tear your face off and eat it and then shit it into an egg.
5) Daisy's the female star of this movie. Daisy. Not Peach. Daisy. This princess was next to nothing when this movie came out. Why did they pick Daisy and not Peach, which would've made so much more sense?
6) You witness Mario motorboating a very large woman. It's just...I...it's...oh please don't make me remember that!

Why do these movies keep appearing? Who knows! All I know is that none of them were enjoyable. Just painful.

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

I just finished the latest game in my absolutely favorite game series, Assassin's Creed.

I had been looking forward to Assassin's Creed III for a long time! The game really did not disappoint me! I was really happy with it! Except the ending. The ending screwed me over...again...for the fifth time. You see, I had absolutely no idea that this wasn't the final AC, so seeing that ending and thinking that that was the end sorta pissed me off. Anyway, in this list, I'm giving my opinion of what I loved about ACIII!

I added in an extra number because I couldn't contain my love! Hooray for Assassins!

*WARNING! SPOILERS!*

Top 6 Things I Loved in Assassin's Creed III

6. Hunting

In the first game, we had flags. In the next couple of games, we had flags and feathers. In this game, we had feathers, almanac pages (fuck those things), and animals! I loved the fact that you could pet animals in this game, and I found that the hunting factor they added in was interesting and engaging. Even though it was just one of those collecting features, I couldn't resist killing and skinning every deer, wolf, and rabbit I encountered. Different animals could be found in different regions of the frontier. The fact that Connor grew up hunting just reinforces his role as an assassin...a hunter.

5. The Homestead

This place was completely different from Masyaf and the Villa. You felt a sort of attachment to this home and to all the people who lived on its property. Everyone here actually had a personality, be it the constant fighting Irish friends, the tailor who had an abusive husband, or the miner who needs help courting the hunter!  I loved finding random strangers who had no place to go and offering them a home. My favorite mission had to be the one with the black couple. When I heard that they've been trying to have a child for years, I genuinely felt sorry for them, and then later when I saw them standing next to a man building them a crib, I couldn't contain my excited "YAY!"

4. Naval Missions

Being the captain of your own ship is a pretty damn good feeling, if you ask me. There's also something about the open sea all around you that gives you a sort of sense of freedom. No longer were you constrained to perform missions in three towns; now you had the whole Atlantic to explore, taking down enemy ships as you travel. I loved the naval battles! Each ship you encountered had a certain strategy in taking it down. The more missions you completed, the more you could upgrade your ship: reinforcing the hull, adding another cannon, or upgrading your cannonballs. In the end, your ship can take down anything!

3. Desmond's Missions

The moment Desmond pulled up his hood to perform his first outside mission, I had a flashback of when I first saw the cover of Assassin's Creed. And then I fangirled. Hard. As the story progressed, Desmond would sometimes have to retrieve power sources in places like New York, Brazil, and Italy. During those missions, you controlled Desmond exactly like his ancestors, hidden blade and all. It was amazing to see how he was able to absorb all those skills through the bleeding effect. Plus, there was nothing more satisfying than storming into Abstergo, taking down every single guard with the skills given to him from Altair, Ezio, and Connor, and using the Apple to blow Vidic's fucking brains out!

2. Haytham Kenway

I loved how Haytham's personality was like a combination of Altair and Ezio's. He was cold and calculating, like Altair, but also was a smart mouth and liked cracking jokes, like Ezio. And just like them, he was cocky as shit! Too bad he was a GODDAMN TEMPLAR! Before this is revealed, I did have my suspicions, especially when he started yelling about peace through unity but never mentioning free will. Despite how enraged I was by this betrayal, I did love the twist the developers threw in there. It gave us a chance to look at the world through the eyes of a Templar, and wonder if it really is so bad. Also, I loved the direction they took us in when they revealed (pretty obviously too) that he's Connor's father. Templar versus Assassin. Father versus Son.

1. Ratonhnhaké:ton a.k.a. Connor

I loved the new Assassin! I loved him! He was an excellent change from the previous two. While Altair and Ezio were grown men, full of wisdom and understanding, and strong leaders of their Brotherhood, Connor still had the naivety of a child. He was (technically) not born into the Brotherhood like the others. The way he questioned if the Templars and Assassins could work together was something his ancestors would never even consider. He made reckless mistakes and was pretty impatient, especially when it came to Achilles' lessons. The way he argued with Achilles really showed a childlike side to him. He even made the face bratty teenagers make when they argue with their parents. What I'm saying is, Connor had a somewhat childish appeal to him, which I really loved! I also loved his reason for fighting! Altair was for honor and the Creed. Ezio was (originally) for revenge. Connor was for justice, to ensure that his people will never be harmed. Sadly, we all know how that turns out in the end.

Of course the game wasn't absolutely perfect, but I really enjoyed all the touch ups the developers added in. The characters were memorable, the story was excellent, and the side missions were fun! I. Loved. This. Game. The end.

We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes

Some video game characters don't suffer from insanity, they enjoy every last minute of it!

I believe there are two types of crazy: fun crazy and sad crazy. Fun is when the character is so insane that it can be enjoyable sometimes. It's fun to see them act erratically and unpredictably. Sad is just when the character actually suffers from that insanity and it slowly destroys who they truly are. It's pitiful to watch.

With that being said, this list is compiled with the two crazies! Fun and Sad! You can probably just assume which one's which.

Top 5 Insane Video Game Characters

5. Gun

I'm kind of cheating with this one since this guy is from some random Japanese visual novel type game, but it's my list and I can do what I want with it! I couldn't resist putting Gun on this list. He is the embodiment of insanity. His job is to kill anyone who disobeys the rules...or who doesn't. It doesn't really matter to him. He just loves to kill people! What's weird about him is that he has an almost childish appeal to him. While dragging along a dead body, he likes to sing random little songs. He also loves kitties!

4. The Beauty and the Beast Unit

Metal Gear Solid 4 

These "beauties" control the "beasts" that serve as the bosses in MGS4. When they're first introduced, you can already tell they're all not exactly right in the head. One's laughing insanely, one can't stop crying, one keeps yelling "RAGE!" and one is just sitting on the side lines seemingly controlling everything. After Snake defeats each one, Drebin calls him and gives him a very detailed background of their life. And good God did they all have fucked up lives! It's no wonder their minds are completely destroyed!

3. James Sunderland 

Silent Hill 2

Of all the Silent Hill protagonists, James clearly is the most insane. This is when the series started focusing more on the psychological mentality of the player. Everything James sees, every monster he encounters, every person he meets were all created inside his head. Everything in Silent Hill reflected his mental state. He even created Pyramid Head in order to punish himself for what he had done. The thing about James' insanity is that it isn't fun like all the others', it's just sad and pitiful.

2. Albedo

Xenosaga

How could this guy be considered insane? Yeah, he likes to randomly chop off his limbs while laughing maniacally, but he's immortal and they regenerate right back, so it's okay! Oh, and don't mind the fact that his decapitated head can still talk and laugh evilly, that just happens sometimes. Speaking of his laugh, it just gets to me every time. It's so broken and breathy; it feels real! It's not the typically "Mwahahaha!" It sounds like an actual deranged person who can't control his mind. Even Sephiroth wouldn't mess with this guy.

1 Sheogorath

The Elder Scrolls Series

Of course this guy would be on the list. I mean, he's the Daedric Prince of Madness! It would make sense that he's batshit insane. I hardly ever understand half of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. What's worse about him is that he is extremely powerful. He just loves to slowly drive other men insane, and plus he's completely unpredictable! Attacking him just sends you on a nice little trip into the sky where you plummet to your death. Power and insanity don't mix very well. Especially when he makes constant threats of stealing your eyes or strangling you with your own intestines in that Scottish/Irish accent of his. And then he goes on with his perfectly healthy obsession with cheese. 

Without characters like these, some games would be pretty damn boring! They liven things up a little (except James). Now it's time for a celebration...Cheese for everyone!!!!

Random, Useless, and Interesting Facts

ABSOLUTELY ALL CREDIT FOR ALL OF THIS INFORMATION GOES TO DIDYOUKNOWGAMING.COM!

Some days when I'm really bored, I like to just blow my mind by reading random but interesting facts about my favorite video games. This is when I turn to my favorite source, didyouknowgaming.com, which is a tumblr that provides a lot of those mind blowing facts. I often find myself saying "Really?!?" and "No freaking way!" every time I go on there.

I wanted to share some of these facts since they're so interesting. So put on a good hat and sit back while your mind is blown across the room!

Top 5 "Did You Know Gaming" Facts

5. Peter Link Pan and Technoforce

These two facts sort of go together since they're from the same interview. Now let's take a minute and think this over. Link is Peter Pan. After hearing that, I can now totally see the similarities between the two! Green clothes, pointy green hat, fairy friend, surrounded by children who never age. If only you could fly in Ocarina. Also, the Triforce was going to be powered by science, not magic. The origin of Link's name is no big surprise, but science?!? Where's the fun in that? However, the more recent Zelda games (Skyward Sword especially) have been delving deeper into a more technologically advanced Universe, so it's not all that bad.

4. Parasitic Pokemon

What's that? Pokemon is completely harmless and totally appropriate for children? HA! No matter what you think, this is actually pretty disturbing. This little Pokemon is killed by that fungus and then its body is controlled by it. I know, I know. This happens all the time in nature and is perfectly normal, but that doesn't make it any less creepy! I mean, just look at those eyes! They were so full of life when it was a Paras, but now they're just dead. When your Paras evolves, it dies! Now I'm sorry if this all sounds preachy and PITA-ish, but honestly, I'm just really disturbed.

3. Mario the Murderer and Polish Word of the Day

Yeah that's right! All that time you were murdering every single citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom. Every block you hit ended another innocent life! Makes me wonder about the blocks that gave you mushrooms and stars. Were those mushrooms their heads? Did you devour their heads in order to gain size? That's just wrong and morbid! Anyway, I actually have a little fact of my own. There's a Polish word "kupa." Being Polish, I grew up saying this word, so when I first heard about the Koopas and King Koopa, it really confused me! Kupa means "pile" as in "pile o' shit!" So King Koopa is King Shit! Enjoy that for a while.

2. Metroid Predicts Future

You know, I actually lost my GameCube a long time ago. I was wondering where it went! Apparently it got stuck in some exhaust fans. Released only a year after the GameCube's launch, this game actually predicts the future of today! The GameCube is now considered an obsolete console with no new games released for it. Since the Wii can play GameCube games, the system is pretty much useless! It's just more rubbish clogging our exhaust fans. Now don't get me wrong, I actually love the GameCube  I loved a lot of the games, I loved holding that controller...hell! it was the first system I actually personally owned! It's just a shame it's been overshadowed.

1. The Towers Have Meaning

You have to admit, this is pretty damn interesting! All this time I thought they were just random, oddly shaped towers. I never noticed how they would either increase in size or height. This is just a really clever way of reading your memory card and telling you what's up with it! It makes sense too. How many of us actually pay attention  to splash screens while we wait for our game to load? We're too eager to finally get started to notice this rather subtle albeit interesting programming. Next time you turn on your PS2, make sure to actually count the number of towers there are. Also try to guess which one represents the game you've played the most. It's like a little game within a game. Clever and cute and mind-blowing!

If you liked these, check out the actual website. Now I'm not trying to sell this site or something, it's just an interesting little thing to do when you're bored! So go learn more random and useless video game facts!

Just in Time for Halloween

Happy Halloween to all my wonderful blog viewers! To fully immerse ourselves into the Halloween spirit, let's count down the best games that truly capture the horror essence!

A game doesn't necessarily have to have jump scares to be scary. It has a number of factors, like atmosphere, gameplay, characters, and monsters. To me, a horror game's good when it leaves an impression on you long after you've shut it off. It gets real deep under your skin and leaves you curled up in your blanket come nightfall.

These games either fuck with your mind or just scare you shitless. Either way, they're still some of the best horror games out there.

Top 5 Scariest Horror Games

5. Resident Evil 4

While every Resident Evil game before RE5 was superb, I chose RE4 because it's my favorite! What's that? Bias? You bet! But still, RE4 is one of the first games to advocate the third-person, over the shoulder view which really added to the game (giving us a nice view of Leon's ass...whoops! I digress). The graphics were very detailed, allowing us to fully capture how grotesque those enemies were. And speaking of enemies, who doesn't remember their encounters with those huge El (Los?) Gigantes, those goddamn dogs, and those nearly indestructible Regenerators? This game is probably the most memorable of the series!

4. Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem 

Eternal Darkness did the one thing that every single video game player is ultimately afraid of. No matter how tough you are or how long you've played video games, this little thing can cause anyone to scream bloody murder. It deleted your entire saved game. Or, at least it appeared to do that! Eternal Darkness is a game that just fucks with the player's mind if they let their sanity meter run out. Your character's head falls off, you hear whispers in the background, your TV suddenly mutes, you somehow get the blue screen of death, or your save files get deleted. Eternal Darkness did an excellent job blurring the line between the game and reality.

3. Silent Hill 2

This game pretty much gave birth to what we call "Survival Horror" in video games. It laid the foundation of what we expect from a horror genre game. After its debut, many games have struggled to recreate that perfect terrifying atmosphere and the anxiety we felt while playing this game. Silent Hill 2 wasn't just a game, it was an experience. It had it all: excellent atmosphere, memorable characters, mind-blowing twists, and horrifying enemies. This game also created one of the most recognizable, iconic creatures in all of horror genre games: Pyramid Head. Who can forget their first encounter with PH, walking in on him having some
"fun" with a couple of mannequin monsters?

2. Dead Space

What's so bad about being trapped on a spaceship isolated in space with hundreds of mutated alien monsters that want to tear you to pieces any chance they get? I mean, it's not like you're completely surrounded by darkness with only a small circle of light to guide your way. It's not like necromorphs are really fast and strong and sneaky and terrifying or anything. It's not like you have to aim for that little area of ligaments to shoot off their limbs to kill them while they hurl themselves toward you. It's not like you're slowly going crazy throughout the whole game. Right? ... Right? Oh who am I kidding? I was screaming and firing my gun like a maniac every time I saw a necromorph.

1. Amnesia: The Dark Descent

If I had to use one word to describe why this game is so terrifying, it would have to be atmosphere. You wake up all alone in an enormous mansion with no memory except your name. Right from the start you feel such a disturbing sense of isolation, helplessness, and fear. As you search for answers, you feel that something is following you. Soon you find yourself unconsciously looking back, checking every corner, listening to every sound that echoes through the dark hallway. Shadows move, voices whisper, and you hear something growling. You're afraid of something, but you have no idea what. A nameless fear. This fear then takes the shape of a horrendous, mutated creature that's sole purpose is to hunt you down. If it sees you, it will chase you to the ends of the earth. You can't reason with it. You can't fight it. You can't destroy it. Just run. And whatever you do, don't. look. behind. you.


As a horror game enthusiast, I had a lot of fun making this list! I always enjoy a good game that keeps me on the edge of my seat and then scares me out of it!

Parasites and Mutants and Zombies, Oh My!

These creatures pretty much came out of the deepest pits of hell just to scare us shitless!

Sometimes a game just likes to give its players a good scare every now and then, even if they're not even horror games. One way to scare you is to add terrifyingly powerful enemies that want to do nothing other than make your life as miserable as possible. These guys can be dangerous, deadly, unnerving, or just down right creepy. Whatever they do to us, players remember every single moment of it.

These enemies are the kind that make you check under your bed before going to sleep.

Top 5 Scariest Enemies in Non-Horror Games

5. Deathclaw

 Fallout Series

In a post-apocalyptic barren wasteland, you have to worry about giant flies, raiders, and super mutants. Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah! Those giant, fast, scary, and extremely dangerous Deathclaws! Once, long ago, these creatures were just innocent chameleons, but not anymore! These demonic beasts have giant, razor-sharp claws that can tear you to pieces! What's worse? They are very, VERY fast! It's very difficult to outrun them, and it's very difficult to fight them. Don't even think about fighting these mutants without a Fat Man with you!

4. Psycho Mantis

Metal Gear Solid

I really could not pass this guy up! The fight with Psycho Mantis is something you will never be able to forget. It wasn't just your average boss encounter; it was an experience! The thing that made him so scary was the fact that he could actually see right through the player. He read your memory card and commented on your games, he screwed with your TV, he could read your every move. He knew exactly what you would do before you even tried it. Psycho Mantis wasn't just hard...he fucked with your mind! Plus, he made a picture of Hideo Kojima laugh at you! That's pretty damn scary.

3. Ultimate Chimera

Mother 3

What's worse than a super powerful, completely indestructible enemy? Hearing a super powerful enemy come after you, but never knowing where it really is. That's what happens with the Ultimate Chimera! You attempt to run away from it, but no matter what floor you're on or where you hide, you always hear it stomping towards you, unleashing a heart pounding roar every so often. It could either be on the floor below at the end of the hallway or right outside your door. No matter where it is, once you see this creature, all you can do is run. RUN! One touch and you're dead! So. Just. Run.

2. ReDeads

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time

Do you remember the first time you encountered a ReDead? Those terrifying screams that paralyzed you will haunt your dreams forever. Probably the most unnerving thing about them is that when they scream and freeze you, they slowly approach as you button mash the hell out of your controller, trying to break free. And if you're too slow, then they wrap their long limbs around you and proceed to viciously suck/hump the life out of you. That's right. They hump you to death. Talk about traumatizing.

1. SA-X

Metroid Fusion

When you first see SA-X, probably the first thing you think of is "Oh shit." Just one look at those soulless eyes and you know that you're screwed. It's a parasitic copy of Samus' suit except it's stronger, faster, and all it wants to do is kill you. Similar to the Ultimate Chimera, SA-X can be heard walking slowly through corridors followed by some ominous music. It's then you wonder if the heartbeat you're hearing is just part of the music or your own. The first time you physically encounter it, all you can do is, you guessed it, RUN! Run and pray that it doesn't catch you. This thing is a walking killing machine that will destroy everything in its path, especially you. You're able to beat it later in the game, but until then, all that's left is running and crying...like a real man!

These enemies are all excellently designed to scare the player in a way different from your average jump scare. Enemies like these make me miss goombas.

Happy Boss Day! Let's Dance to Some Music!

Today is Boss Day, so let's celebrate with the best music to listen to while dealing with your boss!

In my opinion, music makes the boss. It has to be the best composition in the entire game, especially if it's the final boss. For me, the music has to perfectly describe the boss. It has to be his alarm clock that he wakes up to every morning! It has to be his lullaby when he goes to sleep every night! The music somehow prepares you for the upcoming battle. It warns you that the next fight might be your last.

These bosses have the best theme songs in the entire game! So crank up those speakers and get ready for some epic tunage.

Top 5 Boss Themes

5. Baby Bowser

Yoshi's Island

This song just starts off mysterious and foreboding as you see the giant Baby Bower emerge from the horizon. It warns the player that they're in for it now! After a number of repetitions of the same notes, it suddenly drops to this fast paced song that keeps you on your toes and keeps your heart pumping. The song has excellent rhythm that I found my foot tapping along to the music.

4. The Great Mighty Poo

Conker's Bad Fur Day

How many bosses actually sing their theme song?  It's even a sing-a-long! His lyrics are creative and catchy while the music is an excellent opera masterpiece. Half-way through the battle, he starts to get really angry and the music begins to speed up which only adds to the mood. The Great Mighty Poo has the voice of an angel and the face of shit...because he is shit...but there's nothing shitty about this song! Except the fact that it's about shit...

3. Bowser

Super Mario 64

I know...I know...I'm putting Bowser on here twice! What is this, a conspiracy? No. But hear me out! These two themes are completely different in style and rhythm. The song begins with a drum that just lays down the beat. Then the music comes in with a dark, threatening style that makes you realize you're about to face off the giant koopa himself! And unlike Baby Bowser's theme, this song continues being dark and evil. It continues to remind you that you're going to die here...multiple times!

2. Vs. Red

Pokemon Series

Even if you've never picked up a Pokemon game in your life (such as me...sadly), you would still be able to recognize this song (like I do). It's iconic! It's pure! It's catchy! It knows that you're in for a long battle that you've been preparing for! It knows how hard you've worked to get this far! It knows that you and your pokemon will triumph in the end! It knows that the time to battle is now!

1. Sephiroth (One-Winged Angel)

Final Fantasy VII

You remember the shower scene in Psycho? This is what this beginning of this song reminded me of. And I guess it actually fits since Sephiroth is pretty much a maniacal killer who slays women while they're in water. Anyway, about a minute within the song you start to hear a Latin chorus sing about Sephiroth, which is very unique considering it's a Final Fantasy piece. The song itself is mystical and enchanting while at the same time terrifying and overpowering. It describes Sephiroth's character perfectly. (Also I looked it up! Nobuo Uematsu, the composer, was inspired by Hitchcock's Psycho!)

Now let's take a moment and appreciate all those difficult bosses that truly tested our skill in the game. However, we always were able to defeat them...like a boss!